One of the "5 Key Concepts of Recovery" is support. When I think of support, I think of relationships
and community. And yet, when I am struggling, positive interaction with other
beings can be a challenge. What can we do to maintain our relationships and community
connections when we or our loved ones are experiencing depression, pain, anxiety, and other
difficult states? How do we keep from driving people away when we need them
most? Here are some things I try to do to take care of my support system. I'd
love to read some of your ideas.
1. Breathe deeply, then respond. Taking a moment to clear your head could make the difference between a conversation and a fight.
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2. Avoid support system burn out. Love may be
infinite, but time and energy are not.
- Spread the love around. The more people you can trust to help, the less pressure there will be on your closest supporters.
- Don't accept help you don't really need.
- Ask whether people are available to listen before verbally processing.
- Help your supporters. This will contribute to maintaining balance in your relationships, and helping others is a wellness practice that benefits the helper, too!
- Do self care together. My favorite self care to do with others are walking and eating nurturing meals.
3. Communicate!!
- Make agreements about how to communicate about helping each other when everyone is feeling well. Expressing preferences and setting realistic expectations before we need them can prevent problems in a crisis.
- Let people know you're struggling. Your supporters may not know how you're feeling. If your behavior changes in response to pain or suffering, knowing what's going on for you can help others avoid taking your actions personally. It also creates an opportunity to offer help.
- Ask for help specifically. You know what you need. Ask for help with the things you are least able to do without assistance.
- Receive suggestions with an open mind. Do you have concrete evidence a suggestion won't work for you? Will you be harmed by trying? If not, it might be worth a shot!
3. Use your insights into yourself to
guide how you interact with others.
- Avoid flaking. Try to predict your energy level (spoon theory). You may not be up for going to a party after a therapy or bodywork session.
- Make flexible plans that can accommodate unforeseen changes. For example, if you'd planned to go for a walk, but you are experiencing a lot of knee pain, swimming or watching a movie could be better options that still give you a chance to be together.
- Make deliberate decisions about whether now is a good time to interact with people. Sometimes it's hard to be kind. Other times, someone else's company is just what the doctor ordered. You can always change your mind.
- Check in with yourself so you can offer help honestly - What are you realistically available for? Maybe you aren't actually free to listen to your friend process until 3am when you have work the next day, but you are available to have tea and listen after work.
- Try to recognize when you're acting like a jerk and stop! If you can't change your behavior, stop interacting. On your own or with a third party, think about what else is going on that might have influenced your behavior. Knowing what triggered your behavior can help you avoid acting rude in the future.
5. Be courteous.
- Apologize if you were mean or rude. Keep it simple. apologize for your behavior, not your state of being.
- Express gratitude and appreciation. From a simple thank you to a thoughtful gift, gratitude is good for you and the person you are thanking.
What did I miss? Please share what you do
to protect your relationships in difficult times.
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