"My father was not an evil man. He was NOT EVIL. He was mentally ill. He was sick."

Through sharing her personal story of her family's struggle with her father's mental illness, my friend Jill has articulated some of what I've been thinking in response to the recent tragedy in Connecticut. In case you can't access Jill's facebook post, here are her words:

When I was 8 years old my father was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. Some of my childhood memories include the CIA showing up at our house to discuss a death threat letter he'd written to the President of the United States... watching a news broadcast of a mass shooting and seeing a composite sketch flash onto the screen that looked like my father (thankfully, it was not)... seeing him parked outside my elementary school every single day watching me and the building and who knew what else... hearing him threaten my mother... accusing her of impossible, terrible things... knowing he had a gun... hiding for my life...

But most of all I remember the pain and anguish my mother went through just trying to get him help. Due to laws that are made to protect patients, my mother was never able to get my father the help he desperately needed. He lived and died on the streets thinking the mafia, the government, and everyone was after him. He died alone and afraid. I am so grateful that he never hurt anyone else... that he never shot up a school full of children because the voices told him that to do so would be saving the world. I remember him telling me he was God.

My father was not an evil man. He was NOT EVIL. He was mentally ill. He was sick. Before his illness manifested he was a gentle man. He was an artist. He was really kind and generous and sweet. He loved to play the organ and sing off key. He loved to do crafts with me. He worked hard. He took care of his family. And then his mental illness manifested and he changed so quickly and so drastically. From the time I was 8 years old until his death in 2008 I lived a life of looking over my shoulder, being careful to keep my whereabouts secret... I didn't even use my real name on the internet until he was dead.

When I hear people talk about the people who commit these crimes as evil and "of the devil" it breaks my heart all over again. No one believed my mother when she would explain our situation. No one believed that my father was capable of doing what he was doing to us. And it is clear to me that most people still really do not understand mental illness... especially paranoid schizophrenia. What IS evil is a world where mental health issues are not taken seriously until someone does something so terrible like shooting up a school, a mall, a government building. There is no hope out there for people with severe mental illness. And there is no compassion for them either.

So while I am praying so hard for those children who were killed and their families who have been left to pick up the pieces... and while we are arguing over gun control and improved security.... my heart is also breaking for the folks that people label as evil... for the mentally ill who can get no help... and for their families who live in fear and pain and KNOW that something like this can and might happen but can do NOTHING about it. 

ASAN Statement on Media Reports Regarding Newtown, CT Shooting | Autistic Self Advocacy Network

"Today’s violence was the act of an individual. We urge media, government and community leaders to speak out against any effort to spuriously link the Autistic or broader disability community with violent crime. Autistic Americans and other groups of people with disabilities persist in facing discrimination and segregation in school, the workplace and the general community. In this terrible time, our society should not further stigmatize our community. As our great nation has so many times in the past, let us come together to both mourn those killed by acts of heinous murder and defend all parts of our country from the scourge of stigma and prejudice."

ASAN Statement on Media Reports Regarding Newtown, CT Shooting | Autistic Self Advocacy Network

Karla's ASD Page: Thriving on the Autism Spectrum in a Neurotypical (NT) World

I've been enjoying Karla's ASD Page on facebook very much! Here's a description of the page in her words:

This site is dedicated to bringing together a collection of articulate, respectful and intelligent ASD Adults with parents/professionals and other Neurologically Typical [NT] caregivers and partners all with the goal of raising awareness of the shared cultures while creating resources and answers to help every ASD person THRIVE not just survive. 

Karla also has a wiki page on this topic. I really appreciate the way she talks about successfully navigating interactions with NT people. In order to succeed, an ASD person needs "to integrate in a culture that is foreign to their own. The way to SURVIVE is to tolerate the other culture, but the way to THRIVE is to understand it at a deep enough level to take a different perspective." The objective of the site is to bring NT and ASD people together to learn about each other's cultures.

http://asdculture.wikispaces.com/file/view/Slide2.JPG/283175268/Slide2.JPG

This is an idea I've encountered in the mental health client empowerment movement, as well. Treating cognitive and emotional styles as cultural differences makes a lot of sense to me. For people who are already familiar with multicultural ideals of honoring diversity, it removes the judgment implied by labeling something a disorder or disability and replaces it with a frame that fosters mutual understanding and respect. Thanks, Karla! The way you've described this resonates for me and has clarified my thinking. It reminds me that I tend to focus on each of us learning about ourselves, and I'd like to integrate more information about how to learn about and communicate with each other, too. I look forward to learning more from you about how these ideas apply to interactions between NT and ASD people.

The graphic that follows is an example of how Karla uses this frame to create a simple request for accommodation. What would you tell your boss about your needs? What would you ask for help with?

Playback Theater Workshop: Stories of Triumph and Transformation

Life and Music

"We missed the point the whole way along. It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing or dance while the music was being played." -Alan Watts

Journey of Powerful Voices

I just learned about this project that is helping sexual assault survivors share their stories. They also have an FB page called Journey of Powerful Voices.
http://powerfulvoicesproject.com/

Human Sexuality is Complicated.

This video clearly defines many of the concepts I use when discussing gender and sexuality.

Maintaining Relationships During Wellness Challenges

One of the "5 Key Concepts of Recovery" is support. When I think of support, I think of relationships and community. And yet, when I am struggling, positive interaction with other beings can be a challenge. What can we do to maintain our relationships and community connections when we or our loved ones are experiencing depression, pain, anxiety, and other difficult states? How do we keep from driving people away when we need them most? Here are some things I try to do to take care of my support system. I'd love to read some of your ideas.

1.  Breathe deeply, then respond. Taking a moment to clear your head could make the difference between a conversation and a fight.

See below for image source.

2. Avoid support system burn out. Love may be infinite, but time and energy are not.

• Spread the love around. The more people you can trust to help, the less pressure there will be on your closest supporters.
• Don't accept help you don't really need.
• Ask whether people are available to listen before verbally processing.
• Help your supporters. This will contribute to maintaining balance in your relationships, and helping others is a wellness practice that benefits the helper, too!
• Do self care together. My favorite self care to do with others are walking and eating nurturing meals.

3. Communicate!!

• Make agreements about how to communicate about helping each other when everyone is feeling well. Expressing preferences and setting realistic expectations before we need them can prevent problems in a crisis.
• Let people know you're struggling. Your supporters may not know how you're feeling. If your behavior changes in response to pain or suffering, knowing what's going on for you can help others avoid taking your actions personally. It also creates an opportunity to offer help.
• Ask for help specifically. You know what you need. Ask for help with the things you are least able to do without assistance.
• Receive suggestions with an open mind. Do you have concrete evidence a suggestion won't work for you? Will you be harmed by trying? If not, it might be worth a shot!

3. Use your insights into yourself to guide how you interact with others.

• Avoid flaking. Try to predict your energy level (spoon theory). You may not be up for going to a party after a therapy or bodywork session.
• Make flexible plans that can accommodate unforeseen changes. For example, if you'd planned to go for a walk, but you are experiencing a lot of knee pain, swimming or watching a movie could be better options that still give you a chance to be together.
• Make deliberate decisions about whether now is a good time to interact with people. Sometimes it's hard to be kind. Other times, someone else's company is just what the doctor ordered. You can always change your mind.
• Check in with yourself so you can offer help honestly - What are you realistically available for? Maybe you aren't actually free to listen to your friend process until 3am when you have work the next day, but you are available to have tea and listen after work.
• Try to recognize when you're acting like a jerk and stop! If you can't change your behavior, stop interacting. On your own or with a third party, think about what else is going on that might have influenced your behavior. Knowing what triggered your behavior can help you avoid acting rude in the future. 

5. Be courteous.

• Apologize if you were mean or rude. Keep it simple. apologize for your behavior, not your state of being.
• Express gratitude and appreciation. From a simple thank you to a thoughtful gift, gratitude is good for you and the person you are thanking.

What did I miss? Please share what you do to protect your relationships in difficult times.

Hand hexagon image source: http://www.chumans.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Supp-Sys-6-150x150.jpg

5 Key Recovery Concepts: An Introduction

Mary Ellen Copeland

To learn about ways to cope with her own symptoms, Mary Ellen Copeland asked many people in mental health recovery about what helped them the most. She learned that these 5 key concepts were helpful to almost everyone she surveyed: responsibility, education, self advocacy, support, and hope.

We need to take responsibility for our own recovery; we cannot expect someone else to be able to fix or change us. By educating ourselves about wellness and our own needs, we learn what might help us. Advocating for ourselves helps us get the care we need and change the systems we are a part of. Giving and receiving support from family, friends, spirituality and other sources outside ourselves keeps us connected with our communities and the world around us. Hope for continued recovery keeps us going when all else fails.

These concepts describe simple and necessary aspects of successful recovery. How do each of them contribute to positive change in your life? 

FREE CCSF CLASS: Techniques for Abuse Recovery

DEPRESSED? ANXIOUS? ANGRY? CONFUSED? Experience bullying, gay bashing, gender/sexual abuse or domestic violence? Release the past and connect with a deeper sense of self though self healing Techniques in Abuse Recovery

HEAL YOURSELF FROM TRAUMA & ABUSE.
Learn recovery skills to assist healing and increase resilience to the physical and emotional trauma of violence and social prejudice.

TECHNIQUES IN ABUSE RECOVERY (LGBT 4800)
9 class sessions: Sept 8, 22, 29; Oct 6, 13, 20, 27; Nov 3, 17, 2012
Saturdays, 10 AM – 12 noon, CCSF Mission campus, 1125 Valencia St., Room 254 (between 22nd & 23rd)

Register: www.ccsf.edu or come to the first class session and sign up. For questions: Dr. Trinity Ordona, trinity.ordona (AT) mail.ccsf.edu, (415) 452-4895. To reserve a space in the class: http://tinyurl.com/LGBT4800

Nine Classes/Free/Non-credit class/Open to the public. Must be at least 18 years old to attend.

Gender, Sexual Fluidity, and "Naturalness"

For the sex and sexuality geeks out there, here's my response to Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller's recent articles, Sex Question Friday: Are Women More Likely To Be Bisexual Than Men? and Is Bisexuality Really A More Natural Tendency For Women Than Men? Dr. Lehmiller's thesis is that "women of all sexual orientations are capable of being turned on by a wider range of sexual targets than are men", and "women’s sexuality tends to be more situation-dependent, whereas men’s sexuality is more specific to a certain category." He cites evidence including: men are statistically more likely to report having fetishes, and in empirical studies women are aroused by a wider variety of stimuli than men. Please read his posts for his full argument. Here is my response:

What is "natural"? How can we tell?
Sexuality and sexual taboos are both socially and biologically influenced. Gender and biological sex are both different than sexuality. Each person has values that will influence how sexuality is expressed. Our values also influence our beliefs about this question and how we perceive the evidence. All of this makes the situation too complicated for me to feel confident saying *anything* about sexuality is natural except perhaps having a sex drive. Even then there are counter examples. Are people who consider themselves asexual freaks of nature? Saying something is "natural" implies something else is "unnatural" and both terms contain value judgments. If only Dr. Lehmiller had replaced natural with another word in this sentence, like so "while it is indeed possible for both men and women to be bisexual, evidence from a variety of sources suggests that bisexuality may be a more common occurrence among women than men", I would be less inclined to disagree.

Dr. Lehmiller's arguments haven't accounted for socialization.
Social pressure also encourages men to discuss anything sexual and affords men more opportunity to act on fetishes. For example, many more men than women patronize professional fetish and fantasy providers. However, given income disparity and the privileging of male sexuality (in US culture as I've experienced it), I would hesitate to say that this means men have more fetishes across the board. For these reasons,  Women, on the other hand, are often socialized to be cooperative and accommodating. Does that translate to fluidity when it comes to sexuality?

Studies of physical arousal only show us a partial picture.
We are whole beings, regardless of gender. Our thoughts, experiences, emotions, and physical response all influence each other. I am dubious of studies that consider physical arousal as proof of sexual preference. Again, it's so much more complicated than that!

Let's look at the varieties of sexual preference, gender, and physiology instead of binaries.
I do find the question of what other factors, including gender, may correlate with fluid sexuality interesting. I'm very interested to hear from people who have experienced both estrogen-dominated and testosterone-dominated physiology about how they've experienced sexuality differently with different hormonal ratios. Does the fluidity of sexuality change when the amount of certain hormones change in someone's body? Do people with more testosterone experience more rigid sexual preferences? Do people with more estrogen experience more fluidity? How does this vary depending on the values someone holds about gender and sexuality? Are there developmental differences? In other words, do people at different points in their lifelong development of their sexuality tend toward more or less fluidity of preference?

Please join the conversation! Topics like these are much more fun with friends!

"This is your world. You're the creator. You have freedom on this canvas. Believe that you can do it! 'Cause you can do it!" -- Bob Ross

Bob Ross Remixed | Happy Little Clouds | PBS Digital Studios

I didn't know it at the time, but now I see: Bob Ross was an expressive arts therapist!  

I believe every day's a good day when you paint. I believe it will bring a lot of good thoughts to your heart. (Bob Ross) I believe, too! Try taking this advice today.

Fat-Positive Goodness

I'm so happy that people are writing blog entries like this one with evidence for health at every size (HAES) and reasons why discriminating against fat people is bad and unhelpful. Dieting doesn't work. Saying people are bad because they are fat is mean. Today I don't want to think about the problems. These writers and many others have described them very well. Today, as I anticipate dressing myself for the pride festivities this weekend, I want some body love!!

(Be prepared for frontal male nudity.) I’m Stark Naked: Deal With It is a photo essay created by a man who refuses to be ashamed of his body. Noah Brand asked his partner to photograph him in natural poses, as she sees him.

Some folks will say I’m not fat enough to be doing this. Others will say I’m too fat to be doing this. Both groups can feel free to go piss up a rope. I’m not doing this for them, I’m doing it for me. And maybe for you.

Noah encourages other people to do this, and I agree. Through being photographed and creating self portraits of myself, I have learned to see my body in new ways. The photograph is not me; it allows for distance between my self-worth and the image that has helped me to perceive myself without as much judgment.

I don’t know how to fix the broken ways our culture talks about bodies. I don’t know how to make people love themselves. I don’t even know how to mend the disconnect between my sense of self and my physical shape. What I do know is how to confront fear and shame and self-hatred, at least for myself, and how you do that is head-on.

I feel inspired to do another self portrait very soon.

. . . How about you?

And here are more positive images of fat bodies for your viewing pleasure: The Adipositivity Project.

The Adipositivity Project aims to promote size acceptance, not by listing the merits of big people, or detailing examples of excellence (these things are easily seen all around us), but rather, through a visual display of fat physicality. The sort that's normally unseen.

The hope is to widen definitions of physical beauty. Literally.

Now go to your chosen celebrations drenched in body-positivity, whatever you're size! Enjoy your body with confidence and self-love! Smile at the beautiful bodies dancing next to you! Drop it like it's hot, because it is!!